Saturday, November 2, 2013
And so it begins again...
It has been almost 2 years since my last blog and thanks to an amazing friend in my life, I have decided its time to write again. Life has changed so much for me in the past 2 years, I often look back on it all and realize that "Everything does happen for a Reason!" I am blessed in more ways I could have imagined and have come to realize so many truths. I am so excited to begin another journey through my writings and share the crazy, unpredictable life I call my own...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Everything Happens for a Reason...
Happy New Year Everyone! It has been awhile since I have taken time out to write. It isn't that I didn't have anything to say, because trust me that is never the case. I just haven't taken the time to do it. Sometimes the easiest tasks are the hardest to complete and when I write I want to make sure its worth reading. If there is anything I have learned from the past year it is that nothing is ever what it seems.
"Everything happens for reason" Whatever! is all I have to say to that. I have come to dislike that saying and feel like it really doesn't do anyone any good at the time its used. It should be banned from people's conversations or comments until a year or so from the incident its being used for. Then and only then can you truly look back and say, "ok, yeah, I get it!" Until then, it is not allowed. Until then it is an annoying as "You'll shoot your eye out!" from the movie, A Christmas Story.
I have heard that statement several times throughout my life. Each time my response has always been, really?? I don't get it! Why me? Why now? What did I do to deserve this? You would think by now I would just accept it and move on. I think it's the part in me that has issues letting go. I think its the part of me that becomes too committed and dedicated. The part in me that doesn't allow me to dismiss things I have worked so hard for. I think its the part of me that expects so much more from myself.
The very first time I can remember someone saying to me, "Everything happens for a reason" was when a good friend of mine lost her brother. I remember looking at that person and thinking how can losing a brother have a reason? How can this person sit here and say that? Much later on I realized the much bigger picture. The next time I heard this wonderful saying was when my mother became quite sick with Cancer and eventually lost her battle. What could possible be the reason I have to lose my mother at such a young age before she even got to be a grandmother to my kids? I didn't understand why someone could say getting cancer had a purpose. I later realized my mother became my guardian angel and a grandmother in heaven. The next time I hear those words was after I lost my first child. I think that would have to be one of the hardest times to hear those words. I remember being so angry, so upset and so unsure about my life. Four months later I realized that the reason I lost Dillan was so Drew could be apart of my life. It is a hard reason to swallow, but I finally understood at that point. Everything does happen for a reason. Maybe it is hard to see at the moment it happens, but God does have a plan and reason for everything.
I have had several other times in my life that saying has come across my path, but the most recent came a little less than a week ago. After 5 years of being a dedicated and committed teacher, I was told because of budget issues I was being let go. First time I have ever been "let go" from anything. The rush of emotion and heartache that I have felt has been overwhelming. How do you let go of something you loved so much? So I am left once again with hearing, "Everything happens for a reason?" I have to believe that is true and I have to believe that God will take care of me like he has done in the past.
It is so easy to say those 5 words to someone when it isn't happening to you. It is much harder to swallow them when you are the person hearing them. "Everything happens for a reason," I have to believe that is still true and that the future holds something wonderful and fullfilling! I have to believe that life goes on and God's plan has to be a good one!
“I do not fear because God strengthens me.” Isaiah 41:10
"Everything happens for reason" Whatever! is all I have to say to that. I have come to dislike that saying and feel like it really doesn't do anyone any good at the time its used. It should be banned from people's conversations or comments until a year or so from the incident its being used for. Then and only then can you truly look back and say, "ok, yeah, I get it!" Until then, it is not allowed. Until then it is an annoying as "You'll shoot your eye out!" from the movie, A Christmas Story.
I have heard that statement several times throughout my life. Each time my response has always been, really?? I don't get it! Why me? Why now? What did I do to deserve this? You would think by now I would just accept it and move on. I think it's the part in me that has issues letting go. I think its the part of me that becomes too committed and dedicated. The part in me that doesn't allow me to dismiss things I have worked so hard for. I think its the part of me that expects so much more from myself.
The very first time I can remember someone saying to me, "Everything happens for a reason" was when a good friend of mine lost her brother. I remember looking at that person and thinking how can losing a brother have a reason? How can this person sit here and say that? Much later on I realized the much bigger picture. The next time I heard this wonderful saying was when my mother became quite sick with Cancer and eventually lost her battle. What could possible be the reason I have to lose my mother at such a young age before she even got to be a grandmother to my kids? I didn't understand why someone could say getting cancer had a purpose. I later realized my mother became my guardian angel and a grandmother in heaven. The next time I hear those words was after I lost my first child. I think that would have to be one of the hardest times to hear those words. I remember being so angry, so upset and so unsure about my life. Four months later I realized that the reason I lost Dillan was so Drew could be apart of my life. It is a hard reason to swallow, but I finally understood at that point. Everything does happen for a reason. Maybe it is hard to see at the moment it happens, but God does have a plan and reason for everything.
I have had several other times in my life that saying has come across my path, but the most recent came a little less than a week ago. After 5 years of being a dedicated and committed teacher, I was told because of budget issues I was being let go. First time I have ever been "let go" from anything. The rush of emotion and heartache that I have felt has been overwhelming. How do you let go of something you loved so much? So I am left once again with hearing, "Everything happens for a reason?" I have to believe that is true and I have to believe that God will take care of me like he has done in the past.
It is so easy to say those 5 words to someone when it isn't happening to you. It is much harder to swallow them when you are the person hearing them. "Everything happens for a reason," I have to believe that is still true and that the future holds something wonderful and fullfilling! I have to believe that life goes on and God's plan has to be a good one!
“I do not fear because God strengthens me.” Isaiah 41:10
Monday, November 21, 2011
Giving Thanks
"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
Colossians 2:6-7
I love this verse. It is so strong and so true. With Thanksgivng around the corner how can we not take time to give thanks for so many things. I think way to often we get caught up in life and forget that being thankful should be an everyday thing. The opportunities, people, friendships, love, peace, breath... so many different, wonderful things that make us who we are. Do we say thank you enough? Do we tell those people we are thankful for them? Do we take time to thank God for all of it, every little bit? I know there are plenty of times that I don't. I take for granted so many things and realize that being Thankful shouldn't just be around the holidays, it should be everyday. Wake up each moring and thank God for another opportunity to be a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, grandaughter, stepdaughter and teacher. These are the moments that count. These are the time we say how we feel and express our gratitude. Why wait, why shy away from how we feel, why make an excuse. Life is so short and things can change in an instance. Be thankful every second of every day.
So I have come up with some things I am thankful for in my life and I would love to share them with whoever cares to read them.
I am Thankful for...
my faith, my God and all he has given up for me.
my husband, who through it all, no matter what, loves me
my children, who have taught me what it means to be loved unconditionally every minute of everyday and that the littles things in life are what make us who we are.
my angel Dillan, she has taught me to remember that everyone has a story to tell
my mother, who showed me that you should do things for others because you want to and for showing me what it means to be fearless and strong
my father, who pushed me to achieve my goals and always believed in my abilities
my oldest sister, who without knowing it, helps my heart heal with her love
my mother in law, who always makes me feel like I am her own daughter
my nieces and nephews, who gave me an opportunity to be a mother, even before having my own kids
my best friend, who has taught me what true friendship really is
my old friends, that can always make me smile, are much cheaper than therapy and taught me true sisterhood
my old principal Donna, who believed in me and reminded me how important faith is in your life.
my co-workers, who challenge me and push me to be a better teacher
my Karen, that has become my second mom, showed me the type of grandmother I want to be and for laughing with me everyday.
my students, without even knowing, make each day easy to get up and come to work.
And the list could go on and on. It is amazing all the people I have to be thankful for. I noticed that the things I am truly thankful for are not material things or possessions, but they are real people that help make my life so much more each day. How blessed I am, how loved I am and how lucky I am.
Thank you for blessing my life!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Attitude Adjustment
Its been awhile since I last posted. Life just sometimes seems to get away from you and before you realize it a week, month, year is gone. My life these days consists of kids, work, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, repeat, in that order! I find myself being reminded of the days gone by more these past few weeks than other times. I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for myself and wishing for that time back. I feel guilty about that and feel like I am an awful person because of it. I find myself feeling ungrateful for all my gifts I have been given. My kids, my job, my health (although I could stand to lose some lb's), my friends and focus on only the things I do not have. That to me makes no sense. I was wondering the other day also if I was too young to be having a mid-life crisis or if I just need a vacation from my life, even if for just a day. But then I think, "Be careful what you wish for!" I stop and say to myself, "you should be ashamed of yourself or what is wrong with you?" Life is too short to waste it. I know that, but I guess I need to find a way to find a balance, a happy medium if you will. But my questions is, how do I do that? How do I make it all work. I don't want to someday hear my daughter tell me the one thing she remembers about me is the fact I yelled or the had no patience. I don't want to have my son tell me I didn't hold him enough or spend enough time just taking in his every milestone. I don't want Reese to look at me someday and tell me she wishes I would have snuggled with her more at bed time. My life needs to slow down, I need to find that place that I can co-exist and enjoy all that God has given me. I need to find time for my relationships, especially the one with my husband, but that's another blog in itself. So my challenge to myself is to adjust something I do have control over, my ATTITUDE and to figure this out, to make it work and to be the mother, friend, wife, teacher, daughter, sister... that I was meant to be.
I found this saying about attitude the other day and it really stuck with me. I feel like this needs to me my motto. And when it comes down to it, doesn't attitude really have an impact on it all? Seriously, I think I may have just had a come to moment, I believe that I may need an attitude adjustment. So here I go and wish me luck!!!!
I found this saying about attitude the other day and it really stuck with me. I feel like this needs to me my motto. And when it comes down to it, doesn't attitude really have an impact on it all? Seriously, I think I may have just had a come to moment, I believe that I may need an attitude adjustment. So here I go and wish me luck!!!!
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
Thursday, November 3, 2011
i carry your heart...
i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart.
i am never without it anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart
I heard some news today that set me back a bit from someone that means more to me than she realizes. The news immediately brought me back to the reality of life and how precious each moment is. I mean, i knew that before, but this reminded me again that the small stuff just doesn't matter. That this person I thought I could be, is really not me. I love too much and too hard to feel any other way. It also made me think of this poem from E.E. Cummings. I first came across this poem in one of my English classes in college. I than heard it again while watching a movie a few years ago. After speaking with her, this movie popped into my head and all I could picture was the last scene in this movie where her little sister was reading this poem to her big sister as she drove away.
I love this poem. It has such an amazing underlying meaning. It sums up ever bit of how I feel about her.
i am never without it anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
i fear no fate for you are my fate, my sweet
i want no world for beautiful you are my world, my true
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart
I heard some news today that set me back a bit from someone that means more to me than she realizes. The news immediately brought me back to the reality of life and how precious each moment is. I mean, i knew that before, but this reminded me again that the small stuff just doesn't matter. That this person I thought I could be, is really not me. I love too much and too hard to feel any other way. It also made me think of this poem from E.E. Cummings. I first came across this poem in one of my English classes in college. I than heard it again while watching a movie a few years ago. After speaking with her, this movie popped into my head and all I could picture was the last scene in this movie where her little sister was reading this poem to her big sister as she drove away.
I love this poem. It has such an amazing underlying meaning. It sums up ever bit of how I feel about her.
"I carry your heart, i carry it in my heart"
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
What I Know...
I found this on my Facebook page under notes that I had written over 2 years ago. First of all I couldn't believe I have been on Facebook that long and a part of me was curious how my life has changed since the last time I filled this out. Alot can happen in 2 years. So I figured I would share it with you all on here! They are quite random thoughts and feelings, but then again that is pretty much all this blog is anyway! Enjoy
1. I've come to realize that my feet...
will not smell the greatest if I do not wear socks.
2. I've come to realize that my job/role...
is to not only to be a teacher, but a social worker, a health teacher and a mother.
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I enjoy peace and quiet, which never happens.
4. I've come to realize that I need...
more than 6 hours of uninterruped sleep to really function well.
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
many people and relationships that I may never get back
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people are never happy and find negativity in everything
7. I've come to realize that if I'm sleepy...
I love to cuddle up in my bed surrounded by my kiddos and nap
8. I've come to realize that money...
makes life so much easier. Gonna keep this one!
9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are never satisfied.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always ...
put my kids first and foremost, even before myself.
11. I come to realize that girlfriends...
are sometimes better than therapists.
12. I've come to realize that my mom...
was what held our family together.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
would serve a better purpose on the bottom of a Lake.
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
how much I really hate early mornings.
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had to check my facebook/blog page, it has become a part of my routine! SAD
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...
how much I wish I was with my kids.
17. I've come to realize that my dad...
is a good man.
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I have an addiction! Still holds true.
19. I've come to realize that today...
I will not spend time worrying about things/people I cannot change
20. I've come to realize that tonight...
is a night I will spend doing for others.
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
"is another chance to be a good mother.
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
to take a vacation ALONE!
23. I've come to realize that the person who is reading this right now...
is wondering what they might respond.
24. I've come to realize that life...
is only what you make of it.
25. I've come to realize this weekend...
I will spend time doing things with my children instead of doing things for them.
26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is my childrens voices singing to their favorite song.
27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are my lifeline.
28. I've come to realize that this year...
I was blessed with so many wonderful things
29. I've come to realize that my old friends...
are just as important as the new ones.
30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...
work on my marriage more.
31. I've come to realize that I love...
my husband very much.
32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...
why children have to become sick or die.
33. I've come to realize that my past...
has made me who I am today.
34. I've come to realize that parties...
are not apart of my vocabulary anymore.
35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not seeing my kids grow up
36. I've come to realize that my life...
is full of people that love and care for me and make it worth living!
Have a great day!
will not smell the greatest if I do not wear socks.
2. I've come to realize that my job/role...
is to not only to be a teacher, but a social worker, a health teacher and a mother.
3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...
I enjoy peace and quiet, which never happens.
4. I've come to realize that I need...
more than 6 hours of uninterruped sleep to really function well.
5. I've come to realize that I have lost...
many people and relationships that I may never get back
6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...
people are never happy and find negativity in everything
7. I've come to realize that if I'm sleepy...
I love to cuddle up in my bed surrounded by my kiddos and nap
8. I've come to realize that money...
makes life so much easier. Gonna keep this one!
9. I've come to realize that certain people...
are never satisfied.
10. I've come to realize that I'll always ...
put my kids first and foremost, even before myself.
11. I come to realize that girlfriends...
are sometimes better than therapists.
12. I've come to realize that my mom...
was what held our family together.
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...
would serve a better purpose on the bottom of a Lake.
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...
how much I really hate early mornings.
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...
I had to check my facebook/blog page, it has become a part of my routine! SAD
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...
how much I wish I was with my kids.
17. I've come to realize that my dad...
is a good man.
18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...
I have an addiction! Still holds true.
19. I've come to realize that today...
I will not spend time worrying about things/people I cannot change
20. I've come to realize that tonight...
is a night I will spend doing for others.
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...
"is another chance to be a good mother.
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...
to take a vacation ALONE!
23. I've come to realize that the person who is reading this right now...
is wondering what they might respond.
24. I've come to realize that life...
is only what you make of it.
25. I've come to realize this weekend...
I will spend time doing things with my children instead of doing things for them.
26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...
is my childrens voices singing to their favorite song.
27. I've come to realize that my friends...
are my lifeline.
28. I've come to realize that this year...
I was blessed with so many wonderful things
29. I've come to realize that my old friends...
are just as important as the new ones.
30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...
work on my marriage more.
31. I've come to realize that I love...
my husband very much.
32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...
why children have to become sick or die.
33. I've come to realize that my past...
has made me who I am today.
34. I've come to realize that parties...
are not apart of my vocabulary anymore.
35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...
of not seeing my kids grow up
36. I've come to realize that my life...
is full of people that love and care for me and make it worth living!
Have a great day!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Amazing News
Over 2 years ago, some very good friends lost their precious angel too soon. This weekend I found out they are expecting another precious gift in May. What an amazing gift from God. As I was thinking about them and all their emotions, feelings and thoughts they must be having, I couldn't help but cry. I really don't know why I was crying, but I just was. Maybe it was the fact that this news was so amazing to them, but also so hard. Maybe it was the fact I could relate somewhat to their life. Maybe it was because I know what amazing people they are and how much they deserve this happiness. Or maybe it was because I realized that everything happens for a reason and sometimes we have to go through painful things to get there. Or maybe I was crying because I am a woman and that is all I seem to do lately. I still am not sure why I cried, but I did.
As I sat a little longer thinking about these 2 extraordinary people, I began to think of this journey they are on to get to that wonderful day in May. How far away it must seem to them and all the anxieties of doctor visits and ultrasounds, just hoping that all is well and there are no worries. I wonder if they are hoping for a girl or hoping for a boy or just hoping this bundle of joy is healthy and perfect. But than again, I know the answer to that questions already. But as mothers, we know that life has a way of surprising us. We are never fully sure of anything until we have that precious gift in our arms and we hear that amazing first cry. Even after all that, we are still skeptical and on guard. So many things for these parents to focus on and prepare for. I am sure May seems like a world away.
My thoughts than begin to wander to their 2 little girls. How their lives are going to change and how excited they must be. For them the past 2 years has probably meant different things. I wonder if they spend their days thinking of their little sister in heaven and wonder what she is doing. I wonder if they ask lots of questions and dream about her. I wonder if their angel sister visits them in their dreams. The excitement must be overflowing from them.
As I watched their wonderful video again that they had posted to tell the world of their news, I couldn't help but start crying again. I finally realized what my tears meant this time, they were simply tears of mother that loves her children.
As I sat a little longer thinking about these 2 extraordinary people, I began to think of this journey they are on to get to that wonderful day in May. How far away it must seem to them and all the anxieties of doctor visits and ultrasounds, just hoping that all is well and there are no worries. I wonder if they are hoping for a girl or hoping for a boy or just hoping this bundle of joy is healthy and perfect. But than again, I know the answer to that questions already. But as mothers, we know that life has a way of surprising us. We are never fully sure of anything until we have that precious gift in our arms and we hear that amazing first cry. Even after all that, we are still skeptical and on guard. So many things for these parents to focus on and prepare for. I am sure May seems like a world away.
My thoughts than begin to wander to their 2 little girls. How their lives are going to change and how excited they must be. For them the past 2 years has probably meant different things. I wonder if they spend their days thinking of their little sister in heaven and wonder what she is doing. I wonder if they ask lots of questions and dream about her. I wonder if their angel sister visits them in their dreams. The excitement must be overflowing from them.
As I watched their wonderful video again that they had posted to tell the world of their news, I couldn't help but start crying again. I finally realized what my tears meant this time, they were simply tears of mother that loves her children.
"Every child born into the world is a new thought of God, an ever fresh and radiant possibility"
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