I had a conversation with one of my sisters last night and found myself in tears. After I had finished my conversation with her I felt exausted, but better. She listened, cared and took the time for it. Some of the things we talked about were not the easiest, but she understood and related to the things I was saying. I thank her so much for that. My family use to be very close and always found the time for eachother. I am sad to say that is not true anymore. My mother passed away several years ago and ever since that, our family has never been the same really. I miss my mom every minute of everyday. I miss my mom right this moment as I am writing this blog. I miss the fact she will never see my children and they will never experience the woman she was. I need her more than ever now and I miss her.
My dad remarried quite quickly after her passing which was an adjustment. It is hard to have a new woman in the picture after having my mother for over 28 years. But over time I have learned to allow this woman into my life and the lives of my children. It has been tough, she is not my mother and so very different, but she is a good person. She is a good grandmother and she is good to my father. That in itself is a blessing. I use to be quite close with my sisters also, but with time that has also felt like a loss. Now I have found that when one or two of them get together I am not included or considered. I get I have little kids and I live 20 minutes away, but it really does drive a knife into the soul. It leaves you thinking, "wow, where did I go wrong or what did I do?" There has been several factors that have contributed to this, but when it comes down to it, should there ever be anything that comes between sisters? It makes me cringe to think that ever happening between my girls. I tell them all the time to cherish and love eachother no matter what. To listen, be kind and remember that forgiveness makes the heart so full of love. I find it hard to take my own advice on a day to day basis and often find my own heart filling with anger more than love. I feel bad that my children do not have the oppportunity to really know their aunts and uncles the way I got know my sisters children. I was in my early 20's when 2 of my sisters had their children. I was not married and did not have my own family at the time, but man did I make sure I was in their lives every chance I got. I was at every X-mas program, preschool, school event, sporting event little and big. Whatever they needed, I was there for them, they came first, above my nights out on the town or my other friends, I made sure that they knew I was more than just an aunt, but someone that wanted to spend every moment I could with them. I have to say with my own family it has been tougher and those little ones are now in their teens and 20's. I also haven't been in their lives as much now which makes me sad and I only have myself to blame for that. I realize I need to be there and let them know regardless my relationship with their parents. I think what makes me the saddest is when my own kiddos ask why we never see them anymore. It easier to exlpain why we dont see people that live hours away for states away, but 20 minutes away, that is tough.
I find myself wanting to cry on a daily basis and often find myself shutting myself off from that hurt. I get we get busy with our lives, but that is no excuse. I have also realized that my own family is my concern now and if my family doesn't want to experience all my kids have to offer than so be it. There is always some excuse, some reason, too busy, more important appointments or outings. It is what it is. My friends and coworkers have become my family these days. They are who I share my kids accomplishments with, they are the ones I get together with, they are the ones that want to do things with me and they are the ones that take the time to visit with us. They are the ones that make each day a better day! Sometimes you have to accept things for the way they are and move on. It's just to hard otherwise...
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